Disenfranchised
by Linstock
Summary: Spock is injured. Spock and Uhura make some decisions about their relationship.
1. Chapter 1 The Return

Au : This is part of a larger story, but I have found that I do not excel at writing adventure. Tends to get very dark and intense, dare I say twisted, so I have posted the on ship part and will try to work on the rest to fill in the gaps .

Disenfranchised.

**Ch 1: Return. **

**Return. **

The door to Spock's quarters whooshed open and he stepped inside and paused. Nyota was here, he was sure of it, her faint scent of jasmine was in the air and, illogical as it seemed, he could "feel" her.

He frowned. She must know that he had entered, but she had not greeted him. Something was wrong and his whole being already ached with pain and exhaustion. In his weakened state he did not know if he could perform adequately if there was a problem.

He stepped wearily toward the bedroom. She was sitting in the bed crossed legged wearing what appeared to be one of his old torn T shirts. Her hair was down and loose over her shoulders, her hands were in her lap and the fingers were knotted together and working restlessly. She was so beautiful and miraculous his step faltered. She looked up and taking in his drawn appearance, exhausted posture her eyes filled with tears that slowly overflowed running down her cheeks.

He approached the bed slowly, put a hand down and eased himself gently into a sitting position on the side of the bed one leg bent so he was turned and facing toward her. He saw her reaction to the agonisingly slow movements and his involuntary grimace.

She opened her mouth to speak but closed in again swallowing repeatedly. He reached his hand toward her but she tucked her hands into her arm pits and shook her head. The tears were flowing faster now and her breathing was becoming irregular. Spock briefly closed his eyes to gather his strength and calm himself. Something was very wrong and he was barely able to stay upright let alone think and what he needed was within reach. With his whole being he knew that what he needed was Nuota…

Nyota took some slow deep breathes and said in a shaky voice, "I am so sorry." Deep breath, "I have been…" her voice trailed off, "I'm just flooding Spock" She looked at him with pleading eyes, "everything I have had to cope with this last fortnight …I did so well," Her eyes flick up to him, "I was exemplary. And now, now that you are here, now that there is no need to be afraid, now that I can relax, I'm just flooding with all these feelings and I do not want you to have to feel this too. Not on top of everything else." She stopped, breathing hard and bit her lip, "I've heard the talk about what a happened, the others in the party have been talking and oh God." She bit her knuckle and then pressed her hands to her face, "I nearly lost you, I nearly lost you…" her voice trailed away as she struggled with control. "I'm so sorry, I didn't want to do this, I wanted to be strong for you, I wanted to care for you. But the waiting was… I'm…I'm…" she was gulping and looking at him with eyes pleading for understanding.

" Ashayam, I would have come sooner if I could. I was…" Spock tried to explain.

"You don't have to explain," Nyota said softly, "I know that Dr McCoy sedated you in the transporter room when you tried to leave. "

"I just wanted to go to you," stated Spock.

"I know," replied Nyota, "I know, just no one else did. Rumour had it the doc was shouting something about making you rest even if you didn't have the sense to do it yourself and he zapped you with a hypo from behind." She smiled a small watery smile.

"I believe that I have been in and out of unconscious for almost a week," Spock stated, "Ashayam," he reached toward her, "I never intended to abandon you …"

Nyota nodded. Then her eyes filled with tears again and she was sobbing in a low whisper she said, "I couldn't get to see you….they wouldn't let me," her voice trailed away then her eyes flick to his face and she continued, " McCoy shouted at me said he had patients that needed real care, he was frantic and he wouldn't listen. He said," she drew a deep shaky breath, "'the commander may still die, and some of the others are not much better. Stay out of my way'. I…I… I couldn't get in to see you and you could have died."

Spock closed his eyes briefly and Nyota saw his weariness. Saw how he struggled for control.

'Spock, I'm sorry. I should be…" Nyota stopped as his long arm reached out and he brushed a tear from her check.

"Nyota, ashayam, there is a human saying that it is a poor man who has no one to weep for him. I have only you, Nyota and you only weep because you love me." He saw her draw breath to protest, and placed a finger over her lips, "No, others value me, maybe admire me, professionally as an officer, only you love me." His placed his hand on the top of her arm and pulled gently and suddenly she was kneeling beside him and cupping his face in the way he treasured and kissing his face and neck.

"I want to hold you, but I am afraid to touch you in case I hurt you."

He held her hand to his lips and kissed her palm, "Then we will proceed carefully."


	2. Chapter 2 Away

Disenfranchised.

**Ch2: Away**

Nyota helped Spock lie down and removed his boots. She moved to help him undress and he caught her hand.

"No," he said, and in answer to his enquiring look, "the dressings have just been changed and are best not disturbed."

"And you don't want me crying all over you again," she finished with a small watery smile.

He looked at her, "It would be pointless to become distressed again. "

"And I would be distressed?"

"Yes"

He extended his arm for her to slip in beside him.

"Will that hurt."

"It is a price I am prepared to pay to hold you," he answered.

Nyota moved carefully in beside him resting her head on his shoulder. She could feel the slight tremors that shook his body periodically.

"Where can I touch you?" she asked.

He sighed, an uncharacteristic sound and reached and took her hand guiding it to his hip. She worked her fingers under the edge of his shirt and felt the warm skin. She had nearly lost him! The emotions surged up again, touching him brought the anguished back and she struggled to let go of the fear and reassure herself he was there and warm and real under her hands. She took slow deep breathes and calmed herself. She felt around from his hip feeling the edge of the dressings on his belly and then the top on his legs. There was a clear strip across his lower stomach and groin. She stroked her hand over the area. They lay for a long time quietly Nyota stoking where she dared and he stroking her back. They lay for a long time and then Spock dozed. Nyota was still to keyed up to sleep and lay watching him. His face relaxed in sleep caused a physical ache of love in her chest so intense that it was hard to breathe; she forced herself to take regular deep breaths and to keep the panic at bay. Eventually she dozed.

Later as they lay together quietly with their hands touch palm to palm, "I felt so helpless" she whispered as if telling a terrible secret, "There was nothing I could do that would help you. I did everything I could, I monitored the signals constantly, I only slept enough to ensure effectiveness," he could feel her smile as she used his phrase, "but there was nothing that I could do to help you. I was useless."

His hand stilled, "Nyota the only reason any of us survived was because of you. The only reason we were located was because of you. We all live today because of you." She moved to sit up and look at him frowning. "It is not like you to placate me Spock, to lie"

She saw the irritation flash through is eyes, "I am not lying. I do not lie. When I believed that I would give way to madness from the pain, when every technique and strategy for control I knew had failed , only the thought of you sustained me. You saved me. If not for you I would be dead as would all the team. Believe it."

She nodded but Spock doubted she believed him. Nyota stood and went to the bathroom. When she returned she and walked around the bed, and moved to slip in beside him.

"Nyota?"

"Yes"  
"Why are you wearing an old torn shirt of mine?"

"She smoothed her hands down her front., "I love this shirt," she said.

Spock's raised an eyebrow.

Nyota sat down on the bed and turned to sit cross legged facing him. "This shirt has kept me company while you were away, when I cried I cried on this shirt, when I wanted you to hold me I put on this shirt."

He frowned obviously not understanding.

"Do you remember how the neck was torn?" asked Nyota.

"As I remember you thought I was not fast enough to respond to a request. "

"As I remember you were never going to make a move if I did not jump on you," she smiled.

"I stole this shirt from your recycling bin the next morning," she confessed, "And while you were away I realised that it was the only memento of us I had. If you did not return there were no pictures, no letters, I only had a torn shirt. "

He stroked her knee.

Human memory can fade with time, without reminders," she sighed, "I realised that if you died down there in that horrible place I could not even mourn properly. Oh I could go to your memorial service and be as upset as a crew member is allowed to be. But I would not be your grieving… wife." She paused looking at him with an expression that made his heart ache in his side, "No one would know all that I had lost. No one would comfort me especially or give me your belongings. You body would be returned to your father or buried in space. How would I go on?" She looked at him, she reached over and stroked his face. "How, with out you? And if I claimed to be your woman after your death who would believe me?"

"Kirk would and Mr Scot," said Spock.

"Yes , yes that is true they know there is something," she sighed, "but they do not know if we are just casual lovers or more and maybe that would be enough. But Kirk may be captain but in some areas he is less than credible and no one will believe Mr Scot and with his teleporting Beagle stories." She smiled grimly, "there is a word for it you know; disenfranchised grief. The grief that is not allowed or accepted. It is the grief of the hidden lovers, if their lover dies how can they mourn? It is not allowed, they are secret, hidden and unacknowledged even as they mourn." She looked at him ,"Spock, I can not do it any more. If you die I need to have more that a shirt. While you live I want all of you and for everyone to know. I do not want to be making excuses for refusing suitors," She saw he did not like this, "Did you think they stopped asking me? Why should they? The unattached men know I am free and …they just think I am a fussy bitch, or gay." She glanced up at him and smiled at his thunderous expression. "It's true," she said.

She slipped off her T shirt and lay next to him naked. She raised his had to her mouth and gently kissed each finger.


	3. Chapter 3 Doctor

Disenfranchised.

**Ch 3: The Doctor**

"Commander Spock open this door immediately!" Doctor Leonard McCoy's voice bellowed over the speaker.

"I assure you I am well and do not need medical attention," Spock replied. He sounded tired and the doctor frowned.

"I'll be the judge of that!" shouted the doctor, "You've missed your morning pain medication and the dressings need changing. Open this door immediately or I will use my medical over ride code."

The threat hung in the air. Spock replied, "One minute doctor" and the speaker fell silent.

"Ashayam?" Spock called to Nyota. The bathroom door opened and Nyota stepped out. She raised her eyebrows in enquiry.

"Doctor McCoy is coming in," said Spock.

Her eyes widened in alarm. "I'll stay in the bathroom," she said, starting to gather her things.

"No." Spock said. Something in his tone made her pause, "I only called so you would not be embarrassed and perhaps come out in a state of undress," said Spock calmly, "Please, dress quickly and join me. We no longer hide."

Nyota nodded thoughtfully and ducked into the bathroom. She quickly slipped on the T shirt and panties, finger combed her wet hair and was platting it loosely, over one shoulder as she immerged.

Spock extended his arm to her and she sat her side of the bed and scooted over toward him.

"Spock!" Came Doctor McCoy's voice thought the intercom, "I am coming in now."

"Certainly doctor," said Spock and ordered the door to open.

Doctor McCoy strode into the apartment in full tirade. "Of all the irresponsible things to do. Checking out of the clinic was bad enough," he bellowed as he dug around in his bag on the table in the main living area, "but you've missed your medications, you must be in agony man. And none of that hobgoblin hooey about pain control being in the mind. You need to save your strength to heal." The doctor continued to mutter in a low voice as he dug in the bag.

The doctor must have found what he was after. He looked up and could see Spock in bed through the open doorway but the angle meant he still could not see Nyota. The doctor huffed.

"At least you had the sense to get into bed. Damn it man you could have passed out, fallen and no one would know. You must realise how dangerous it is for you," the doctor was ranting as he advanced on his patient when he saw Nyota for the first time.

In other circumstances the total double take he performed would have been funny. Now Nyota just inwardly cringed. Then squared her shoulders, she had done nothing to be ashamed of.

Doctor McCoy seemed unable to speak.

Spock reached over and openly took her hand aligning their fingers to form the empathic link. Nyota felt his assurance and commitment and she could also feel his exhaustion and increasing pain.

"As you can see Doctor I have a," he paused, "nurse, and have been more than adequately cared for."

The doctor was starting at their aligned hands and the way Spock's thumb was slowly stroking Lieutenant Uhura's . Was he reassuring her? Instantly the doctor was aware of how awkward this must be for her; for them both. It was obvious even to him, and the stars knew he was not the most sensitive of men, that they were lovers. She was in his room, just showered, on his bed and obviously used to linking with him, it was unbelievable, he had had no idea. The doctor cleared his throat and nodded abruptly to Uhura.

"Well I'm glad to see he has not been alone," McCoy mumbled.

Looking at Spock McCoy continued, "Damn it man why didn't you say something! The Lieutenant could have visited you in the clinic; she must have been out of her mind with worry." The actual ramifications of what he could see were starting to dawn on the doctor. Spock looked hard at the doctor, "As I remember I was unconscious at the time," said Spock.

"And I was not allowed to see the commander," said Uhura looking at Spock not the doctor, "I tried" she said and Spock felt a flutter of the panic, sadness and frustration she had felt being denied the right to see him. The doctor opened his mouth to state the visiting policy of sick bay, looked down at those linked hands and his memory of shouting at her caused his mouth to snap shut.

"Doctor," said Spock slowly and clearly looking directly at McCoy. He raised his voice slightly and called , "computer please record. Voice print and store this information in my personnel record." There was a faint ping to indicate the recording was being made. "If I, Lieutenant Commander Spock, am ever injured Lieutenant Uhura is to be considered my next of kin and make decisions concerning my treatment if I am unable to make them and in the event of my death has all the rights of my next of kin and that my belongings pass to her. Please witness for the recording."

"I witness," stated Doctor McCoy. Unbelievable, thought the doctor, it was a formal statement; Spock had virtually married her in front of the doctor.

Nyotas spoke, "Computer please record, If I, Lieutenant Nyota Uhura, am ever injured Commander Spock is to be considered my next of kin and make decisions concerning my treatment if I am unable to make them and in the event of my death has all the rights of my next of kin and that all my belongings pass to him. Please acknowledge."

"I acknowledge," stated Doctor McCoy."

The doctor looked down at the dressings in his hands which seemed to remind him of his purpose in being in that room as he raised his eyes and he caught the look that passed between Spock and Uhura. It was so raw and intense that the doctor felt his stomach clench in response. Beyond belief! Mentally he shook himself, he had a patient who needed care and he had other patients waiting.

"Well young lady seeing you are here and taking some responsibility for this oaf you had better learn how to change these." He gestured with the dressings, "The dressings need changing daily."

"You," said McCoy looking at Spock, "need to come to the clinic every two days or immediately if you condition deteriorates or you have any concerns," the doctor pointed at Uhura when he said this. "If she has concerns Spock, not you, I know you and your concerns." He humphed.

The next 20 minutes were spent changing the dressings on Spock's back, chest and legs. The doctor pointedly did not notice as Uhura eyes filled with tears, or hear her muffled gasps when she saw the extent of the damage. Finally the doctor injected Spock with anti infection agents and pain killers and left a hypo for them to administer that night.

Then he bid them a gruff goodbye. He paused at the table to pull some more dressings out of his bag. He turned to say something and froze. Uhura had reached across and stoked her hand down the side of Spock's face. Spock's hand came up and covered hers holding it in place as he turned his head to kiss her palm. Their other hands had linked again. Her face was radiant and his look was so openly vulnerable that the doctor turned away. They would find the dressings. He left quietly.

He was a doctor. He knew how to keep secrets and they had trusted him with theirs. He would watch the coming events with interest.


End file.
